Finance Roll

You're having the usual fight - you know, the one where he bought something you consider totally unnecessary with the money you were saving to buy something truly necessary, thank you very much:

"But a new car rack is necessary!" he exclaims, "Where are we supposed to put all the gear when we go camping with the kids and your aunt and uncle next month?" "Oh, sure," you say, "something we're going to use one time! Is worth throwing away the money I was saving for a new garbage disposal, which we use every day. And besides you like my relatives."

You cross your arms firmly over your chest, ready for the onslaught. Here it comes: "Oh, for crying out loud," he says, "It's not that big a deal." "Not for you," your voice rising, "You're not the one having to cope with scrapings and leftovers every day." "I'm the one who rolls out the garbage!" he slings back. "Once a week!" you cry. You barely manage to yell out "You never think of me, it's all about you, you're so selfish!" before you burst out of the room and into tears.

Eventually, you'll make up--there's just too much else going on to keep fighting--what with work and kids and chores and all the rest. And let's face it, you do love each other, it's not that, but you really wish you'd stop have the same old fight!

Start by turning towards each other instead of away from each other. In other words, look at each other as partners, work together towards a common goal. Let the problem be something you attempt to solve together, rather than reasons to beat each other up verbally in the name of "I'm right, you're wrong."

1. Plan ahead

Business have to have long, medium and short term goals. So should you.
For example, at the beginning of each year, sit down together and create a "wish-list" of what you'd like to accomplish financially that year, what you see as those things you'd both like to buy or repair or expand. Talk about it, discuss your thoughts and feelings around each item and come to mutually agreed-upon decisions. Then, plan roughly how your "wish-list" might break down, month to month, in realistic, manageable, practical goals. Be sure to factor in some money for savings so you're equipped for the unexpected (at least to some degree) and won't have to forsake your "wish-list" in the name of emergencies.

2. Set yourselves up for success

At the beginning of each month, take a hour or so to review last month's goals. See how you did. Congratulate yourselves for your successes and look forward to the next month's goals. Are they still realistic? Are they still something you want? Did something new come up that now needs to be incorporated into your monthly goals? Make adjustments as necessary, always discussing things until you arrive at mutually agreed-upon decisions.

3. Follow through

A plan isn't worth anything unless you stick to it. Your initial planning sessions and your once-a-month reviews will involve some time and effort, but it's far less than the time and energy you presently spend fighting and being upset with each other - not to mention the emotional toil of your arguments.

Of course, there will be times when one or the other of you make a purchase that's outside of the plan. Rather than attack your mate, take a moment to settle yourself, then say "OK, let's see how that changes the plan," and together figure out how to work it out. Resist blaming the other. Treat your disagreement as a practical matter to be sorted out between two people who care deeply about each other, not an excuse to dredge up past hurts, grievances or perennial sore spots.

The more you deal with the business side of your relationship in business like fashion, the more time and desire you'll have to deal with the romance, companionship and fun parts.